At least I have new TV!
September 10, 2006-9:22 p.m.
So, I keep coming very close to doing the online dating thing again. I updated my profile, but I just can't get myself to contact anyone or to respond to the emails I've received. I KNOW that I should. I do. I just can't get myself to go through with it. I keep waiting for Burger to do something. How long am I willing to wait though?? And then there is the whole problem of loving him. I told myself when this all began that I would be able to end this when I wanted to and it would be ok. That as long as I got to experience being with him that i could just walk away. I told myself this because I knew, and I still know, that nothing can come of this. A future with him is not in the cards. And I did love him before this all started so I guess i just didn't expect to feel more. I was stupid. And now, eleven months later i'm stuck in a holding pattern. If only I were 10 years younger I could just enjoy myself and not worry about my eggs drying up (hee). Alas, I am 31 now and not getting any younger. Damnitall.
Runaway Girl With 8 Fingers
August 31, 2006-10:04 a.m.
The girl has ran away...oh where, oh where did she go? Apparently the person who provided the template has exceeded her bandwith. Damnit. I do NOT want to change my template. I do not even update enough to change my template.
10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys...
August 20, 2006-10:33 p.m.
Bless me Father for I have sinned, tonight I watched the Fantasia Barrino Story: Life is Not a Fairytale on Lifetime. And that's all I have to say about that.
Dr. Phil says Choose Your Destiny
August 09, 2006-12:55 p.m.
A constant theme of this diary is the whole oh-woe-is-me-man-troubles-asshat thing. I know this. I've come to accept that I CHOOSE to be lonely and alone. I choose these relationships with men who are unavavilable; be it physically or emotionally. (I guess being married would make you physcially unavailable?? Spiritually?? ::shrug::) I think that I do this to myself because I am afraid of rejection. I know that these men who aren't available can't really reject me. They have made no promises to me, and so they can't break them. Am I making any sense here?? Hello? Anyone??
Choose your destiny. Make it happen. Easier said than done, me thinks. If I could choose it and make it happen I would be married and pregnant by next summer. It's good to have goals. It's just hard to meet them sometimes. This has been my goal for about 31 years now, so it's getting kind of sad. Damn you goals! Damn you to hell!
I feel like I need to walk away from the Burger King. But how? There is a country song by Garry Nichols called I Can't Love You Anymore. There is a line in the song that says, "I know the only way I'm ever gonna make it, Is burying the best of us, Even though it's killing me, Cause I don't love you any less, But I can't love you anymore." That pretty much sums it up. The love I feel for him isn't any less, but how can I go on loving him? How can I go on putting my future on hold?
A friend of mine who really does not have my best interests at heart at all keeps telling me to find someone else and that maybe the Burger King will be pressured into making a move. I don't want to pressure him. He has made no promises to me. He has not given me hope that he is going to leave his family for me. A very small part of me doesn't even want him to leave his family. How could I do that to his kids? How could I?? I don't want that for them. I don't want him to be in a bad marriage for the rest of his life either, but I think that they could get past all of that and work it out. They just need to communicate more. Remember how to love one another again outside of all the hustle and bustle of parenthood. A rather large part of me, however wants him all to myself. I do love him. I've loved him for forever it seems, and now that the fantasy has actually become a reality I love him even more. Who would have thought that reality would live up to the fantasy? I rarely get to see him outside of work though and that is really starting to bring me down. I know that he is busy. I know that he is working 12 hour days to get ready for the new school year and that he has to do something sports related with the kids most nights, but that doesn't make me feel better. I respect him a lot for the kind of Dad that he is. He's the best. The kind of Dad that I'd want for my own children. ::wah::
Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. Rant done.
Random: No Whores Allowed
August 01, 2006-12:10 p.m.
When I was a little girl I thought that the signs on motels that read: No Vacancy, meant that they did not allow prostitution in that motel.
Kids are silly.
Nothing really.
June 28, 2006-9:01 p.m.
This entry is being entered so that the huge picture below is not overlapping with my sidebar. If anyone (Bill) knows how to make my picture smaller please let me know. Gracias and all that.
Update: Thank you, Bill, for your infinite wisdom.
Eyes
June 28, 2006-8:57 p.m.
I stole this picture from Heidi, but I like it so much that I shall commit this sin in order to post it on my diary. 
Shut the F*ck Up!
June 27, 2006-11:58 p.m.
Dear Crazy Neighbor,
I do not care that you love to sing and I definitely do not want to hear you singing at the top of your lungs every damn night! I do not want to hear your drunken rendition of Love is a Battlefield. I do not care that you can clap and snap over and over again. I DO NOT CARE!! AND, I am sure that none of your other neighbors care. So, please, crazy neighbor STOP SINGING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS ON YOUR BALCONY. You may think that you are alone, but you are not! It is midnight, sir. Stop drinking yourself into such a delusional state that you think that you are a rockstar. You are NOT a rockstar. You are lucky that I am moving in two days, or I would be unleashing my rage upon you. SHUT IT!!
Sincerely,
Daria
Happy Birthday, Here's Your Infection
June 23, 2006-10:46 p.m.
Nu nuh nuh nuh nuh, they say it's your birthday. Nu nuh nuh nuh nuh it's my birthday too...well, almost anyway.
Tomorrow Heidi and I will be departing on the second annual Columbia birthday journey (I just realized how immature I am after typing that we would head off on the second annual journey, only to giggle at the word head and decide I shoudln't use it). It shall be fabulous, I am sure of it. Pizza and burgers, I shall have. hee I am charging my ipod and we can listen to Bette and maybe some Bananarama... What? You all like Bananarama, yes?
Next week I will be packing and moving. I am looking forward to being moved, not so much the moving part. I have recruited many nice people to help me though. Thank you boys and girls.
Also, I think I am getting a bladder infection. Suck. I guess it is my body's idea of a birthday present. What is it trying to say to me? Maybe that I am old? Shirley not. Shirley it is just confused about what is an appropriate gift to give on a birthday. I am going to try to send it back.
So, birthdays, trips, moving, and infections... who could ask for more in a birthday month!
Whatever Sally, Suck It Up!
June 15, 2006-2:17 p.m.
Many, many months back I entered about how I still longed to be with Asshat 1, and that I knew that one day soon he would call me and tell me that he had gotten engaged. At the time I thought that I would be completely devastated. Turns out that there just isn't any possible way that I could care any less about his stupid, lying, cheating asshat ass. He's a schmuck and he will always BE a schmuck. He actually came by my work today and asked me for a kiss. When I refused he said, "Are you sure? You're running out of time." What he meant by that was that he is going to ask his Crotch Rot Whore to marry him soon, and that he wouldn't be able to kiss me after that. Sure, it is fine to kiss me before they get engaged. He is serious about this too. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. He is taking his CRW and his family to Naples, FL on the 28th and I am sure that is when he plans to pop the question. I think that he really thinks that once he does that he will change. That he WON'T be kissing or propositioning other women for sex. He's been married once before though and his vows didn't mean anything then...and I am sure they won't now.
I have come to possess his CRW's cell phone number. What to do? What to do? On one hand I would like to be the bigger person here and just let them crash and burn on their own...because they will, but on the other hand I would totally like to wait until it's wedding day and text that bitch about how the man she is marrying has cheated on her with a woman he works with and that he still talks to me and propositions me at least once a week. I would LOVE to remind her of the times she called him while we were in Chicago and he was IN BED with me when she had paid to get him a separate room. Now I would NOT have sex with him then as I do have SOME standards, but he did everything he could to get me to and I was lying beside him when she called. If I could go back I would have made my presence known. Back then I was, obviously, someone who was a little timid. I've become a little bolder in my old age. Oh, and just so you know…the only reason I was in Chicago with him at the time was because we planned that trip as an anniversary present for my parents and I hadn't told them that we were breaking up yet and didn't want to cancel the trip. I had to beg and plead and cry many tears to talk him into going and the only way CRW would allow him to go was to make him promise he would stay in a separate room. Ha! Whatever bitch. Heidi has already said she would take the OTHER hand. Hee We'll see. I'm kind of over it though and just kind of think...who cares! Let them have each other. Maybe I should just text her a big thank you for not letting me marry a man who will cheat on his wife until the day that he dies or the day that she leaves him.
Do I wish that I had met someone and gotten married before him? Of course! It used to be because I wanted him to know that I didn't need or want him anymore, but now it's only because marriage is what I WANT more than anything. I know though, that things happen for a reason, and if I had indeed met someone and gotten married I wouldn't have had the chance for a BURGER... and I NEEDED a BURGER.
Birthday Month
June 12, 2006-8:09 p.m.
Did I forget to mention that it is June...and June is the month in which I was born...and that means that it is my BIRTHDAY MONTH!! Last year was my year for feeling sorry for my old self, but this year I am back to feeling some glee for my birthday month. Tomorrow I will start telling all that my birthday is coming up...I'm late with this...usually it would have began on June 1.
On an aside...Kyra Sedgewick looks a little freaky to me. I'd go as far as to say that she FREAKS ME OUT. I do like her though.
Anyway, so as it is my birthday month I have decided to PROCLAIM that all activities hence forth are in honor of ME. Wednesday, Heidi and I are going to go have pretzel sandwiches and beers and then we are going to see The DaVinci Code. Why? Because of my birthday month of course! Thursday, I am going to have some drinks with Julie. Why? Because of my birthday month of course!! Friday, Heidi is having a little party. Why? Because of my birthday month of course!!! Get the picture? If you PROCLAIM it, then it is so.
The "real" celebrations begin on the 22nd. Burger, the boys, and I are going to The Loop to drink our lunches. Fun. Burger is the boss, you see, so he can let everyone leave work early to go and drink for my birthday. SWEET! hee. Maybe Heidi will join us. THEN, on my ACTUAL birthday Heidi and I are going to go to Columbia and eat Shakespeare's Pizza and drink beers and swim and hopefully get to see BURGER. It will be fabulous regardless.
The last week of my birthday month I get to pack up all of my belongings and then haul them across the city to my new apartment where I will then have to unpack them. I don't foresee that to be enjoyable, but hopefully since I will be having some of my friends helping me it will not be quite so dreadful.
Anyway, happy birthday to me, ya'll.
